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The Divorced Asian Woman

Who would have thought that in the 21st century in Britain, Asian women that have the unfortunate tag of ‘divorcee’ are still considered to be amongst the social pariahs of Asian society. From the pity and even scorn of relatives and the sympathies towards parents, the Asian woman is treated as shop soiled, and a failure. Her inability to hang onto her man is derided and seen as a weakness or an illness. She is classed as flighty or ‘too modern, not willing to compromise’. Her reasons for divorce are summarily dismissed, whatever the reason she should stay married for the sake of the family’s reputation.

But even more alarming is the perception of so called modern Asian men, who have been born and raised here. They often carry the same pre-historic views of their elders, the label of divorcee carrying more weight than the actual woman.

Woe betides any children in the unfortunate demise of a marriage. The stigma attached to such women is even more shocking; suddenly the woman should give up all future thoughts of marriage and survive ‘just for the children’. The few Asian men who do look at that woman do so with an air of pity, and make the woman feel she should be grateful for a man taking her and her burdens on. The flood gates are opened then and any asylum seeker, nut case, pensioner, or man looking for his 4th wife enter the fray and demand and expect the poor down trodden divorcee to comply, marry and be saved from her years of loneliness and despair.

What is the reality then? The woman is a successful, educated, independent professional who has all the means both financial and emotional to care for herself and her offspring. She is still sane of mind and has the same aspirations and desires as any other woman. What she desires is a man who leaves the traditional Asian layers of hypocrisy behind and is able to see beyond the label. She does not need pity, for she doesn’t seek that, she does not need the unwanted advances of married men, the arrogance of the asylum seekers or others in need. She wants to be realised for the person and woman she is. She wants the man who states he is easy going, and laid back to not break out into a sweat when she mentions her status or her children.

So what is the solution to this? Forget the traditional word of mouth or arranged introductions; they are for the, single (untouched!) Asian women. The only hope is to meet other like-minded men. But where are they, very rarely found in the work environment, and unfortunately Bollywood type encounters rarely occur on the tube. Introduction agencies- hit and miss, the general rule is anyone who pays the fees is welcome.

Ayesha Khan